Become Better at Expressing Approval

Three people working together. A plate of five cookies available on the break. Each took one. Social norms dictate that no one take the last (fifth) cookie, but what about the fourth?

Such was the inquiry of the “cookie experiment” reported by Keltner, Gruenfeld & Anderson (2000). Groups of individuals were placed into teams of three, with two responsible for creating a social policy paper and one randomly assigned to evaluate the output. After 30 minutes, “the experimenter arrived with a plate of five cookies. This allowed each participant to take one cookie, and at least one participant to comfortably take a second cookie, thus leaving one cookie on the plate.”

No one was expected to take the fifth cookie, and no one did. But what about the fourth, the one that could be taken without awkwardness or negotiation? The results of the study showed that the “boss” (the evaluator) was more likely to take a second cookie. (Videotapes of the interactions also showed that person more likely to eat with their mouths open and scattering crumbs widely.) The conclusion is that individuals in power are more “disinhibited” and prone to focus on their own needs to the exclusion of others.

Tips for Expressing Approval

The authors identify some candidate behaviors that are more “prosocial” in nature, with less focus on self and more on others. One of those actions is expressing approval. I thought about ways in which those who struggle could improve and be more effective in this area.

1. Schedule time to point out areas of positive contribution of employees. The only way to get better is to practice. Until it becomes a habit, the only way to be consistent is to plan for it.
2. Be specific, showing authentic knowledge of the contribution. (In large organizations you often see congratulatory emails work their way up the chain to increasing levels of abstraction until you see a final reply-all of the nature, “I want to thank each and every one of you for your efforts in this endeavor.” Not exactly Hoosiers-like inspiration.)
3. Give them some insight as to how this benefits the company, beyond what is obvious. Ideally everyone has the vision of how what they are doing benefits the company. Ideally.
4. Resist the temptation to temper it with some constructive criticism, as if their performance might degrade because of the poor aerodynamic properties of an engorged head. Authentic (and rigorous) feedback about improvement areas is vital, but it does not have to permeate every conversation. If you share five significantly positive things and one minor area of criticism with someone, what will that person remember? Just the one negative thing. Save it for another conversation.
5. Don’t fish for return compliments. It should be more sincere than a bartered transaction at an accolade flea market.

Five simple things requiring little investment, yet with high returns in terms of motivation. And who knows, if you do it enough you might notice a few less crumbs on your shirt at the end of the day.

You Got This

Select three individuals to give verbal endorsement to this week. This can include someone in your own home or friend group, as well as your workplace setting. It will be awkward-don’t let that discourage you! You are in training, and it will come easier. But remember, the approval for others is not about you.

I have yet to find the man, however exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than under a spirit of criticism. – Charles Schwab