Are you married to your best friend? A recent study by Shawn Grover and John Helliwell of the Vancouver School of Economics shows life satisfaction is higher for married individuals whose spouse is their best friend. Their research revealed, “the well-being benefits of marriage are on average about twice as large for those (about half of the sample) whose spouse is also their best friend.”
Their findings were published in the Journal of Happiness Studies.
I’m grateful @jacosborn is both my wife and my best friend. But we’ve had to work at it. Just as a garden needs cultivating, so does a friendship. Perhaps even more so with a spouse, as married lives are filled with duties: laundry, dishes, kids, yard work, bills, and more.
Here are some things Jac and I have learned to do that aid our friendship as a married couple.
Schedule “Friend Time” Apart from Duties
We are heavy users of Google’s shared calendars, but we don’t fill them only with obligations. Every week slots get put on our calendar for us to build our relationship. During the lockdown, with both of us often at home, we were spending a lot of time together. But it was a poor proxy for time as friends. So we started putting a slot for a 10-minute walk on the calendar every day.
Try New Things Together
Build a large bank of “firsts” together. Learning tennis, hiking across a glacier and doing yoga on stand-up paddle boards are some things we’ll always remember experiencing the first time together.
Celebrate What You Have in Common
We enjoy not just playing but watching (honestly!) golf. We cheer on our favorites and celebrate when they do well. It’s great bonding when you root for a common cause. If you’ll high-five a stranger in a stadium, why not your spouse?
Share and Support What the Other is Learning
We both begin our day journaling. Later (often on our 10-minute walk), we take a moment to share something we’ve learned or are working on. We’re not ashamed to admit our struggles or even failures. Authenticity is a staple of a great friendship.
Have Fun Together
Life can be so hard sometimes. (Somehow that doesn’t require cultivation!) We are intentional about sprinkling in activities that we enjoy as a couple. Sometimes it’s hiking, or taking a cooking class, or golfing, or simply sitting in our red Adirondacks with a cool drink at the end of a hot day. We laugh a lot.
You Got This!
The best friendships are built over time with incremental steps. Think about one or two things you can do in the next two weeks to create friendship moments with your spouse. Then, put them on the calendar, and share your ideas in the comments to inspire others!
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