When my daughter was twelve, she asked me to review her first meaningful English paper.
Yes! I would put on my cape and strut some literary bling. I saw the future: the hallways at school no longer filled with talk of clothes or boys or unfair teachers, but of Dad’s mastery of prose.
I launched Word and pressed Track Changes as if I was a teenage boy stepping on the gas pedal of a ’65 Mustang. Cuts, copies, pastes. Here a change, there a change, everywhere a change-change. I finished and hit Send. As I exited our home office, I half expected ticker tape to fall from the hallway ceiling. But when I entered the living room one glance at my wife told me something was wrong.
Very wrong.
Tears. So many tears.
This wasn’t the normal preteen emotional summer squall. Intense, but you know it will quickly pass. The sun will soon appear, and the world will be right again. No, these tears were from the depth of a wounded twelve-year-old soul. When she had opened the document, she hadn’t seen all the black text affirming what she had written. She was blinded by the red words with underlines or strikethrough, all of them screaming in unison to her, “See! You are a failure!”
But I was the one that failed. I didn’t consider the risk she took as a student inclined to science and math, but less towards language and arts. Nor did I remember the importance of encouragement when someone is trying something new. Instead of helping with a small step towards a long-term goal, I fell to the seduction of pride. I emphasized how far she had to go, not how far she had come.
Focus on the Donut (Not the Hole)
Here’s the truth: in this imperfect world we have a steady supply of opportunities to point out what is wrong. Or what is missing. But if you act on every instance, you turn into a squeaky brake, tiresome and energy-sucking to those around you. (In his book, The Energy Bus, Jon Gordon refers to such a person as an “Energy Vampire.”)
You grow into a donut-hole parent (spouse, leader, etc.), constantly emphasizing what is not there.
Three Beliefs to Have
When I catch myself in this pattern with parenting (and leading!), I try to remind myself of three truths:
- My kids will do a lot of things well today
- My kids want to do a good job
- My kids respond best to encouragement
Why? Those are the same items I crave others to believe about me. I prefer to spend more time thinking about frosting and sprinkles and fluffy dough than holes.
I have yet to find the man, however exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than under a spirit of criticism. – Charles Schwab
You Got This!
What is one area of your life where you concentrate too much on the wrong or missing, and you’ve forgotten about the good that’s there? Today, focus on what is right and the progress you’ve made. Share in the comments to reinforce these thoughts.
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