Well before dawn, I’m startled awake. I reach out to hit the snooze button and realize it’s frosty-cold. I snatch my arm back under the covers and try to convince myself it is just a bad dream. Then I remember that six other guys are doing the same thing at this moment, but they will get out of bed, shower, scrape ice off their car windshields, and make their way to some central location that has strong, hot coffee. And I while I don’t wish to go, I don’t want to miss even more.
Motivation
What draws us to add an extra 60 minutes each week to an already long day? There’s no mandate; it’s all voluntary. None of us work in the same enterprise. In our group there are company presidents, a regional director, managers and a back-to-college student (after being laid off). We meet because we believe we can gain from each other’s experiences, insights, and questions. We’re united by a desire to be better. Better leaders, bosses, employees, husbands and fathers.
Social Isolation
Social Isolation is a growing epidemic.
Outside of immediate family, many people do not have meaningful relationships with others. The largest number of interactions each day for most individuals come through their employment. Yet in the workplace there are increasing challenges to connections. The continued rise of remote working , in-person communication reduced through technology and the short term average tenure of employees (just 2.8 years in 2018 for ages 25–34). (See “Employee Tenure”).
Leaders are prone to isolation. They bear responsibilities and stress and are unsure who can be trusted. As Ximena Vengoechea writes for Fast Company,
“Humans are hardwired for connection, and one of the ways we connect with others is by confiding in each other. But as a leader, you must strike a balance between being honest and being comforting. When things get tough, it’s your job to keep the team together and steer the ship to certainty. That means that even when you’re uncertain, you have to put on a brave face.”
Leaders can feel pressured to always have the right answer ready. They act as if their credibility might evaporate with a display of uncertainty. Their inner circle shrinks and decreases until there are just two that remain: the leader and his shadow.
But social isolation plays no favorites, and the negative impacts are real whether or not you are in a leadership role. What do you risk by not having a peer group?
1. Limited Perspectives
We all suffer from bias aligned to our personality, experiences and beliefs. Without a variety of perspectives it is difficult to uncover our predispositions. We never develop the ability to seek, understand, appreciate, yet disagree with, another’s perspective, * in healthy manner *.
2. Lack of Encouragement
Stop reading now if you have plenty of encouragement in your life already. I thought so. For many of us, our significant other is a central source of reassurance. But for the sake of your relationship, don’t let him or her be the sole provider. Seek other people that put some wind in your sails. Whether it’s believing in your future success, or that you are handling a very difficult circumstance honorably, we all need someone to advocate for us, strengthen us and spur us on.
3. Low-paced Learning
There are online videos you can watch, books you can read and reviews you can examine. How many times have you entered a search phrase that began with, “How do you…”, “Where can I find…”, or “Things to see and do…”? All valid and appropriate. Yet they lead not to an immediate answer, but to a time-sucking information-spelunking expedition. Meeting with others you know – “reviewers” and “advisers” you trust – yields far more efficiency in addressing your questions and exposing new thoughts.
4. Lost History
You have something to give. Let your past, with all of its highs and lows, be written in pen and not disappearing ink. You’ve experienced some successes. And failures. Made some good choices, and some awful ones. Done some things you’ve loved and others you regret. Consider your history as Frosty the Snowman – why would you lock him in a greenhouse until he melts? Use it all for the benefit of others.
5. Loneliness
Pew Research links frequent loneliness to dissatisfaction with one’s family, social and community life. Studies show that lonely people are more likely to be less healthy, endure more stress and suffer from a lack of quality sleep.
Loneliness is widespread, as nearly half of Americans reporting they feel alone, isolated, or left out at least some of the time.
What do lonely people have in common? None of them set out to be lonely.
Benefits of Peer Groups
Beyond addressing the above negatives of social isolation, having a peer group that meets consistently provides several benefits.
1. Genuine Support for the Authentic You
In time, group members no longer view other mates through a lens of reputation or title. They see the real you. Their suggestions and thoughts aren’t meant to impress you or better position themselves through a hidden agenda. It’s the true you they care about, the unmasked version they are cheering on.
2. The Ability to Ask Good Questions
Listening is becoming a lost art. It requires self-discipline and skill, which you must practice. How can you identify if someone is listening well? They ask meaningful questions. Far too often individuals see what others say as a segue to their own story.
In a voluntary peer group, there’s a natural curiosity to hear other perspectives. As authenticity grows, members will share things that might seem risky, hinting at an underlying story. A story that requires someone to ask a question. Healthy peer groups are a safe place to learn to listen well and ask meaningful questions.
3. Breadth of Learning
It’s normal for people to study subjects that appeal to them. I enjoy photography as a hobby. I regularly read about new equipment and trends. But we can often benefit from topics outside our areas of interest.
One of my peers was in the military; another ran a window Withment company. They regularly had a different perspective or unique anecdote to share. I gained from them things I would never have learned on my own.
4. Developing Trust
We’ve all been hurt by someone and have experienced a loss of trust. With the pain seared into our memory, we protect ourselves. We develop a habit of filtering our words. Our reward is an absence of suffering.
Yet this comes at a cost. Like a curated Instagram feed, our lives appear pretty, but not very real. Others aren’t able to help us with what they don’t know about. We risk believing our true selves are unworthy of honest affection. Repeated enough, our friends respond in kind, offering only polished, surface-level thoughts. Efficient, but not meaningful.
In her book, Who Can You Trust?: How Technology Brought Us Together and Why It Might Drive Us Apart, Rachel Botsman defines trust as a confident relationship with the unknown. A healthy peer group is a great place to learn to develop such confidence.
Regular meetings offer the opportunity for trust to grow. A commitment to attend means people stay with you even when you aren’t at your curated best. You see behind the curtain of another’s life. Eventually, you experience the freedom of taking your own mask off. Relationships move from reputation-affirming to life-affirming.
5. Fun
Not everything needs to be heavy. Our group schedules regular activities for the sole purpose of enjoyment. We take turns choosing, giving us a variety of experiences. I’ve returned home with my cheeks aching after laughing so much.
You Got This!
A peer group can be a great antidote to the effects of isolation. A place to connect, to be known and to contribute. Are you trying to be the best leader, employee, husband, wife, etc. on your own? That’s a lot of burden.
Find a peer group that you trust. Reach out, start small, and identify one or two individuals. Don’t wait for an invitation, send one. Be committed – to showing up, to being honest, to holding confidence, and to giving your best to others. The ROI is in your favor…even when the “I” means waking to beep, beep, beep at an hour typically seen only by baristas. 🙂
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